S*** the President Says – 10/7/2019

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

China should start an investigation into the Bidens because what happened in China is just about as bad as what happened with Ukraine.10/3/2019 at the White House.

No one knows what the Bidens are accused of having done, specifically. Joe Biden’s son graduated from Yale business school and became a hedge fund manager, and eventually went into business with John Kerry’s son. To this day, no one even knows John Kerry’s son’s name, because this isn’t really about corruption at all. This is about Donald Trump using the power of his office to damage Joe Biden politically.

I have a lot of options on China. But if they don’t do what we want, we have tremendous- tremendous power.10/3/2019 at the White House.

What do we want? Oh yeah, we want some kind of Certificate of Investigation printed from whatever the Chinese version of Microsoft Word is, with Joe Biden’s name in big bold letters somewhere in the middle. His son made some money in China once, right? Just say you’re investigating that stuff. Tremendous power.

No, it’s definitely impeachment. What’s scarier: the thought of our president learning “more and more each day” and still not knowing what impeachment is, or warning the country of a violent, lawless, overthrow of their system of government despite knowing it isn’t true?

Now seems like a good time to remind everyone that in the unlikely event President Trump is impeached in the House and convicted by 67 senators, our new president would be Mike Pence – not Rosie O’Donnell. Outbursts like this are an embarrassing reminder that our president – after nearly three years in office – would probably fail a high school civics course.

If misquoting someone is a crime punishable by resignation, that seems like terrible news for Donald Trump. Alas, it is not a crime, and that’s not even what happened. In a recent congressional hearing, Schiff paraphrased President Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president. No fraud, no fabrication. Just our president shoveling more fuel into the fog machine.

[Congressman Adam Schiff] gave a whole presentation of words that the President of the United States never said. It has to be a criminal act. It has to be. And he should resign. And some people even say it was treason.10/2/2019 at the White House.

When you hear the president say “Some people say,” you know what follows is likely to be something no one even thinks. No one in the world thinks people should be put to death for paraphrasing someone else’s words.

Are you talking to me? Finish with me. Listen. Listen. Are you ready? We have the President of Finland. Ask him a question. Did you hear me? Did you hear me? Ask him a question. I’ve given you a long answer. Ask this gentleman a question. Don’t be rude.10/2/2019 at the White House.

This was in response to a question the president just can’t answer: “What did you want President Zelensky to do about Vice President Biden and his son, Hunter?” Trump didn’t answer that question because there is no answer – so he tried instead to bully the reporter into submission, losing his temper in the process. It was a telling moment. You can catch the two-minute video of it here.

Yeah! Democrats should focus on important stuff, like blasting out obscenities in all capital letters on Twitter! Leave the investigating to Ukraine.

Every week, there are so many tweets just quoting things people said on Fox News. I will never understand why our president watches so much Fox News, or why it matters for which specific branch of government the whistleblower works, or why he can’t even spell “outrageous.”

Congratulations on your communist dictatorship! Happy oppression! Donald Trump knows there ain’t no party like the Communist Party. Party on!


That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.

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