On a balmy late-spring night in South Texas, a rancher rides a formerly wild stallion that he personally broke around the perimeter of his property. A storm is brewing on the horizon. The rancher can feel it in his bones. Just then, he hears a sound coming from a nearby bush. He trots the stallion over for a closer look while brandishing his trusty Colt 45. Suddenly, the stallion jumps up on his back legs tossing the rancher to the ground. It was a rattlesnake. Not one to be spooked, the stallion attacks the rattlesnake with a blow that would have been lethal to most mortal creatures. He is met with the toxic and painful bite of the rattlesnake. Suddenly, lightning strikes the scuffling creatures and creates a fireball that could be seen from miles away. The rancher runs to the fireball and witnesses a miracle. A baby, completely unharmed, lays helplessly where the stallion and the rattlesnake met their end.
“¡Dios mío! ¡Es la tormenta de fuego de El Dorado!” A woman screams behind him. Through her rapturous sobbing, the rancher can hear several others behind her. He turns to see hundreds. They’re here for the birth of the promised one. The one that will end all wars and bring peace to the world. Born in fire, his legend had been passed down through the generations, and here, on this ranch, the prophecy had been realized. He was The Firestorm of El Dorado.
Knowing that the child must be protected from the enthralled crowd, the rancher runs with the baby to his pickup truck and takes him to the nearest town. While there, he meets a young couple hoping for a baby of their own.
“Please take this baby. He is the promised one, but he may never know of the circumstances of his birth. They call him The Firestorm of El Dorado, but I have bestowed upon him a name that will serve as a reminder of his origin. See, my name is Brent. I was riding my stallion Liberty when we happened upon the child. Brent and Liberty. The happiest times of my life.”
This couple took Brent N. Liberty and moved to Northwest Pennsylvania, where Brent gained too much weight and got into podcasting.
Ted Brogan was born as a full-grown, 45-year-old man with a gambling addiction in front of a live television audience. His penchant for quarter drafts and minor league baseball drew him to Erie, where he never imagined the quarter drafts would outlive the baseball. He enjoys making conversation with strangers on elevators about the social acceptability of public nudity in Argentina. He has a wife and some “kids,” which are actually feral, woodland creatures of unknown origin. He won the bronze medal in the 1993 Greater Waterford Area Punt, Pass and Dick competition, where he left it all out on the field. This is the best job he’s ever had.
Dill Spears was born a poor black child during the dust bowl in Oklahoma. The transgender son of migrant sharecroppers, he invented the mechanical bull and headed north. After starring in “Rhinestone Cowboy” opposite John Travolta, he went underground and survived as a soldier of fortune for several years. When the 2006 movie “The A-Team” told his story, he used the money to invent podcasting.
Jake News was born a cisgender white male and has been ashamed of it ever since. In high school, Jake drove around with his widowed father collecting scrap metal in a beat-up old pick-up truck. His dad would constantly come up with get rich quick schemes that usually ended with an important life lesson. After graduating high school barely able to read he became a struggling millennial liberal arts student majoring in LGBTQVANERSPDF+ studies. When he’s not complaining about baby boomers not being able to rotate a PDF or eating avocado toast with an IPA microbrew, he’s shaming small business owners for not having a bathroom that accommodates every gender. Besides killing multiple chain restaurants and stores like radio shack, Sears and Ruby Tuesday’s, his most notable accomplishment is being the first person from Erie to step foot in an Anthropologie. When Jake News isn’t being triggered, he’s usually tending to his beloved meme farm at idiotville podcast, watching YouTube videos of people playing video games with his child (he was born male but hasn’t self-identified yet) or just masturbating to amputee hentai porn. Jake News is currently going back to school because of the abysmally low wages at circle K and is focusing on his degree in basket weaving with a minor in Amish studies.
Just after the memorable “Blizzard of 78” a time-space anomaly happened. Imagine a young struggling couple waiting for their firstborn to spring forth into the world. Patiently timing out the massive contractions that precede the existence of another being in this world. Now step back and take in a doorbell ringing while the couple is sharing this trying but extremely special moment. The wild-haired elegantly mustachioed young father to be opens the door to a disheveled red-headed pizza boy. “Are you I.C. Weiner?” With a laugh the afro wearing father to be laugh and states, “I am just waiting for my son to arrive!”
Flash forward to the year 2020 where a man in his middle years is striving to help make a podcast successful while being surrounded by idiots and suffering from bone-itis. Thus is the life and times of Steve Castle.
Marty Balawkay is a death metal author who has written about everything from frogs to sanctimonious butts and has won a prosthetic leg for his nonfiction book, “The Porto-Potty Vacuum Specialist’s Guide to Fornicating.” He lives in Paraguay with his family and 21 boring ligers. He is an Anthropology graduate of QVX University and has enjoyed Linda Lovelacing in The Jockey Health Club, caulking apple cider, and playing curling with his close friend and mentor, R.L. Stine. He aspires to someday be the first full-time author to fuck on the moon.