S*** the President Says – 8/17/2020

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

“I’ve been watching [Kamala Harris] for a long time.”

8/11/2020 at the White House.

President Trump: meet Joe Biden’s running mate, California’s junior senator, Kamala Harris! As it turns out, Trump hasn’t just been “watching” Harris; he’s enough of a fan to have cut her a nice campaign donation just a few years ago. Incredibly, Donald Trump will become the first president in American history to have donated to two candidates on opposing presidential tickets (he also donated $100,000 to the Clinton Foundation before vowing to lock her up).

“[Kamala Harris] was extraordinarily nasty to [Supreme Court Justice Brett] Kavanaugh…She was nasty to a level that was just a horrible thing.”

8/11/2020 at the White House.

As if Donald Trump running against someone he previously donated to wasn’t enough deja vu for you, here comes the second installment of “nasty woman!” I like the idea of a nasty woman in power, anyway. What’s the point of being nice? That’s the whole pitch Donald Trump gave us in 2016. We heard, “Sure, I’m an asshole, but now I want to be your asshole.” I may be in the minority on this, but I’d lean into it: “Kamala Harris: nasty to a level that is just a horrible thing.”

“So I just heard that [Kamala Harris wasn’t born in the U.S.]. I heard it today that she doesn’t meet the requirements.”

8/13/2020 at the White House.

Oh, come on. Now he’s just playing all the greatest hits. This insinuation is just as absurd as the previous ones against Obama and Ted Cruz, and I have to wonder who it will fool this time around. Under three months from Election Day and behind in the polls by a healthy margin, we’re still in the “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” phase of the campaign.

“And by the way, the lawyer that wrote that piece is a very highly qualified and very talented lawyer.”

8/13/2020 at the White House.

If you’re saying something Donald Trump wants to hear, you are the greatest there’s ever been.

“I have no idea if that’s right…but that’s a very serious – you’re saying – they’re saying that she doesn’t qualify because she wasn’t born in this country.”

8/13/2020 at the White House.

You can’t forget the most important part of the birther accusation: the “I have no idea if that’s right” add-in. The beauty of it is that it works on literally any claim. Let’s try one: “Some guy – great guy, talented guy – said Donald Trump eats poop sandwiches. I don’t know if it’s true. Could be. People are saying it.” Did I mention this was a coronavirus briefing?

“Three and a half billion dollars for, something that will turn out to be fraudulent. That’s election money, basically. They want three and a half trillion, uh, billion dollars, for the mail-in votes.”

8/13/2020 interview with Maria Bartiromo.

With sand falling through the hourglass and a campaign stuck in 2016, it seems the Trump campaign is down to their last card, and it’s exactly what it sounds like: cheating. Here, he describes election funding as something only Democrats want, and decides in advance that the whole thing will be a fraud.

“They want $25 billion – billion – for the Post Office.”

8/13/2020 interview with Maria Bartiromo.

There’s that word again: “they.” Democrats did put $25 billion in their bill for election funding, but they didn’t pull that number out of thin air. The USPS board of governors requested this funding back in April, saying it was necessary to maintain normal functioning. By framing this as a Democratic ask, our president is really saying he does not favor a functioning Post Office.

“Now, they need that money in order to have the Post Office work so it can take all of these millions and millions of ballots.”

8/13/2020 interview with Maria Bartiromo.

Oh my Lord. There it is. The smoking gun. “They need that money in order to have the Post Office work.” Look, the postal service is enshrined in our constitution. It belongs to all of us. It needs to work. It especially needs to work when our election comes during a public health emergency when we’re all supposed to avoid crowds. But the U.S. President just admitted he does not want the Post Office to be able to deliver our ballots. Our house is on fire.

“Now in the meantime, they aren’t getting there. By the way, those are just two items. But if you don’t get those two items, that means you can’t have universal mail-in voting. Because they’re not equipped to have it.”

8/13/2020 interview with Maria Bartiromo.

This is like a hostage situation from a campy superhero movie where the villain clumsily lays out the whole plot in granular detail, except this one’s real. It’s all here. The president really plans on sabotaging the election to whatever extent he can. Erie is already seeing signs. This may get worse.

After all the effort put into stealing the election this week, the poor guy can’t even relax on the day his brother died by watching flattering news coverage of himself. Why does everything bad always happen to Donald Trump?

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That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.