Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during last week’s National Prayer Breakfast:
Okay, this first one isn’t technically from the National Prayer Breakfast, but it was taken as his helicopter touched down that day. What in the world is going on here? Did our president stick his finger in a light socket? His head in a bowl of oil? Take a look at the color version:
Sweet Jesus, it’s like when you’re a kid and you know Santa Claus isn’t real but then you bust your parents putting the gifts under the tree. It’s still sad. You didn’t want to see that. It’s a reminder to me that Donald Trump isn’t some magic Santa, either. He’s just a guy putting on a fake face and taking credits for other people’s gifts. Alright, enough on that, now on with the show!
“[Father] Arthur, I don’t know if I agree with you. But I don’t know if Arthur is going to like what I’m going to say.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Father Arthur had quoted Jesus Christ from the Bible itself, as Jesus spoke of the importance of humility and forgiveness. With this as a lead-in, then, do not expect a lot of prayer to make its way into this year’s National Prayer Breakfast.
“[Rep. Steve Scalise [R-LA]] got – he got whacked. He got whacked…I told him his wife – I said, “She loves you.” “Why do you say that?” Because she was devastated. A lot of wives wouldn’t give a damn.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
It surprises me how our president assumes so many men are trapped in loveless marriages wherein their wives wouldn’t give a damn if they were killed. That’s a dark revelation.
“It was evil. It was corrupt. It was dirty cops. It was leakers and liars.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Prayer is all well and good, but Jesus just doesn’t light the same spark in our president as, well, himself. Today, Jesus will just have to take a backseat to President Trump talking about President Trump as the victim of some things.
“It was all bulls***.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Jesus hated bulls***.
“When [Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA] said, ‘I pray for the President. I pray for the President.’ She doesn’t pray – she may pray but she prays for the opposite. But. I doubt she prays at all.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Oh wait! Finally, some stuff about prayer – other people’s prayers, or “fake prayers.” We’re saying we know for sure what other people don’t pray about now.
“Adam Schiff [D-CA] is a vicious, horrible person.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Adam Schiff is a former prosecutor; he’s not so bad if your administration isn’t awash in crimes. Anyway, I’m beginning to see why this was coined the “Pettysburg Address.”
“We went through hell, unfairly. Did nothing wrong. Did nothing wrong.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
At least now we’re talking about hell, I guess. Maybe we’ll get to heaven and humility and repentance and redemption and all of that good stuff later.
“I want to apologize to my family for having them have to go through a phony, rotten deal.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Hey, it doesn’t count as repentance if you’re apologizing for other people‘s alleged misdeeds. That’s not how apologies work.
“Say hello to the people of Utah and tell them, “I’m sorry about Mitt Romney [R-UT].” I’m sorry.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Strike two! No need to apologize to Utah for Mitt Romney – Utahns actually like Romney. They’re the ones that voted him into office, remember?
“And then you have some that used religion as a crutch. An article written today: “Never saw [Mitt Romney] use it before.” …But, you know, it’s a failed presidential candidate, so things can happen when you fail so badly at running for president.” 2/6/2020 at the National Prayer Breakfast.
Try to decide what’s crazier: just now hearing Mitt Romney talk about religion, or deciding that the real reason he voted to throw you from office is because he lost an election eight years ago. That’s what he’s landed on for an explanation.
That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.