S*** the President Says – 2/3/2020

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to apologize for some technical difficulties last week. While my device wasn’t up to the task, however, the s*** continued to flow like water from a mighty river. Now that we’re back, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous couple weeks:

Congratulations also to our president, whom learned right after this tweet that the Kansas City Chiefs are located in Missouri.

Well, you have to give him credit. I spoke to him very recently, and he’s also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. And – he does good at rockets too, by the way.1/22/2020 interview in Davos, Switzerland.

He – he does good at rockets. Why does our president sound like a bad, early version of AI trying to have a human conversation? In any case, when I first heard this quote I was sure he was talking about Kim Jung Un, so just be glad it was actually in reference to Elon Musk.

You know, we have to protect Thomas Edison and we have to protect all of these people that – came up with originally the light bulb and – the wheel and all of these things. And [Elon Musk]’s one of our very smart people and we want to – we want to cherish those people.1/22/2020 interview in Davos, Switzerland.

The wheel? This doesn’t even sound like bad AI. It sounds like a child faking a book report for a book he hasn’t read. Thomas Edison died 89 years ago! Unless “one of our great geniuses” figures out how to dig him up and breath eternal life into him, we don’t need to worry about protecting Thomas Edison anymore.

During this campaign season, the good people of Iowa have had a front-row seat to the lunacy and the madness of the totally sick left.1/30/2020 Trump rally in Des Moines, IA.

Okay. This language is way over the top, but it’s fair game for any politician to try to paint his/her opponent as too far out of the mainstream. As long as the rhetoric doesn’t go off the rails from here….

They want to kill our cows. You know why, right? You know why?1/30/2020 Trump rally in Des Moines, IA.

Yeah. Hamburgers.

Don’t say it. They want to kill our cows. That means you’re next.1/30/2020 Trump rally in Des Moines, IA.

Oh God. The President of the United States stood up on a stage and suggested Democrats want to kill people. In case there is any confusion – Democrats are opposed to killing people. Not so opposed to hamburgers, though.

I think I’m the smartest person.1/30/2020 Trump rally in Des Moines, IA.

I think he’s a classic case of the Dunning-Krueger effect, which is a psychological phenomenon where the dumbest among us are also the most likely to overestimate their ability.

Now, with me, there’s no lying.1/23/2020 in Davos, Switzerland.

Oh, how I wish this were true. At this very press conference, which lasted all of a few minutes, our president told 14 lies.

Here’s a tip: if you ever want to sound innocent to a jury, be sure to make a vague threat against the prosecutor. Juries love that.

We have all the material. They don’t have the material.1/23/2020 in Davos, Switzerland.

While on trial in the senate for obstruction of Congress, the president brags about withholding all relevant documents. Alas, in this case, the senate voted to see no evil, leaving the issue of Trump’s future in the White House to the voters. It is decided, then: we’re going to need you all to mark down Nov. 3, 2020. It’s our only remaining chance to give President Trump the rebuke he so richly deserves.


That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.

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