S*** the President Says – 1/6/2020

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

We start with our president live-tweeting the attack on the American embassy in Baghdad, Iraq, comparing it to the glorified pole barn in the middle of nowhere, Libya from over eight years ago. It’s pure internet trolling.

Well, he was at his golf course all day, but no matter. The important thing is, he spent the day doing important things like watching TV and tweeting about being a victim. Not golf.

Sure, Iran’s military leader was a horrific guy, but Iran didn’t see it that way. He was their guy, and when you kill their guy it turns out they get pissed and want revenge. This is where people that don’t walk around all day with war-boners start wondering how this burgeoning hellstorm can be de-escalated. Luckily for us Americans, our president is cool, calm, and collected. He’ll think it through.

Uh oh. So de-escalation doesn’t seem to be a priority here. Looks like he’s going to escalate this by lobbing vague threats of retaliation for things Iran hasn’t even done yet. Great.

Wait a minute. Who picked out the Iranian cultural sites? They know conducting a military strike on a cultural site is a war crime, right? Sure, Donald Trump might not know or care about such things but there are actual professionals left in the Dept. of Defense. There have to be. Right? Hopefully we’ll soon hear the standard line after our president realizes he’s said something dumb: he was just kidding.

You know everything is under control when the President of the United States is repeating threats of military annihilation on Twitter at midnight. It’s fine.

They’re allowed to kill our people, they’re allowed to torture and maim our people, they’re allowed to use roadside bombs and blow up our people, and we’re not allowed to touch their cultural sites?1/5/2020 from Air Force One.

He wasn’t kidding. For the record, Iran is not “allowed” to do any of those things. When you’re the good guys, though, you can’t just go around blowing anyone up. You have to actually bring charges, try them in court, prove beyond a reasonable doubt, then blow them up. That’s what our president doesn’t seem to get – we’re supposed to be the good guys.

If [Iraq does] ask us to leave, if we don’t do it in a very friendly basis. We will charge them sanctions like they’ve never seen before, ever. It’ll make Iranian sanctions look somewhat tame.1/5/2020 from Air Force One.

This is incredible. The guy that doesn’t want war in the Middle East is now threatening Iran with war, and Iraq with sanctions for forcing our troops’ removal. What a negotiator.

We have a very extraordinarily expensive air base that’s there [in Iraq]. It cost billions of dollars to build. Long before my time. We’re not leaving until they pay us back for it.1/5/2020 from Air Force One.

This statement came after Iraq’s parliament voted to expel U.S. troops from their country, meaning President Drunk-Guy-at-the-Bar is now talking about fighting Iran while overstaying our welcome in Iraq. That ought to work out.

Join us next week for the first ever Twitter Declaration of War! I think I’m going to be sick.

That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.