S*** the President Says – 11/4/2019

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

I’m no politician, but “Ignore the president’s abuse of power for the short term benefit of the Dow Jones Industrial Average” doesn’t sound like a winning message to me.

Wait, what? The stock market turned around in one day? Must have been some big impeachment news, like the Democrats canceling the whole thing or something, right? Well, actually no. The opposite.

Yeah. Donald Trump didn’t really do all those things he admitted to doing, he’s just misunderstood by everyone – including himself. He’s basically a brown people-hating Mother Teresa. Forget about that for a second, though: here we have a quote attributed to two different people. Did Rush Limbaugh say this, or was it Sean Hannity? Or did they hold hands and chant it together around a ceremonial fire of American founding documents?

The number from the Department of Donald J. Trump’s imagination might have been 303,000, but the Bureau of Labor Statistics said 128,000. That number was itself above expectations, because we’re at the point where no one expects Trump job numbers to come anywhere close to the numbers he inherited – Obama’s whole second term saw average monthly growth of over 200,000 jobs.

The funny thing about being the President of the United States is, you can actually get questions like this answered in five minutes if you want. If, on the other hand, you’d rather paint career national security staff as political actors to cushion the eventual impact of everyone’s sworn testimony, you go to Twitter. Because the transcript reads like an extended scene from Goodfellas.

You can cut through steel, but you can’t through the concrete, and then you can’t through the hardened rebar. We’ve got it all.11/1/2019 Trump rally in Tupelo, MS.

Ten hours after the Trump rally, there was this Washington Post headline: “Smugglers are cutting through new sections of Trump’s border wall.

We have a very powerful wall. But no matter how powerful, you can cut through anything, in all fairness.11/2/2019 at the White House.

It was as if he hadn’t just told a whole stadium full of people that was impossible the night before.

What, you thought President Drunk Uncle wouldn’t have a strong opinion on the California wildfires? Surprise: he thinks it’s their own fault. “Clean the floors,” he says.

I’m also tired of Florida not doing anything about those hurricanes, personally. Every year with the hurricanes. Florida never moves out of the way or moves all the water to the other side of the coast before the storms hit. They just sit there and get hurricaned.

Those “water lanes” are ridiculously closed, but also way too open, because all the water is being poured out, and also they aren’t “water lanes” at all but actually rivers! They’re rivers.

That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.

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