S*** the President Says – 10/21/2019

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

We start this week with trouble in paradise: the president was subjected to a rare bit of criticism on Fox News, apparently, over abandoning our allies in Syria that took the lead in helping us defeat ISIS. Alas, this Trump tweet displays all the foreign policy knowledge of the back of a cereal box. Our troop presence in Syria not only prevented conflict, but our retreat was so haphazard that we actually had to bomb our own military base before it fell into enemy hands: an “extreme worst-case scenario.

Yeah, don’t get all bent out of shape that Donald Trump pulling our troops out of Syria on a whim immediately resulted in ISIS fighters running free. They’ll be “easily recaptured” because international terrorism is just like playing hide and seek when you were a kid. They all hide in the neighbor’s bushes until someone has to pee and, boom! Recaptured.

One thing your should know about us defeating ISIS: it wasn’t really us doing the “defeating.” It was the Kurds. The Kurds knew the territory, they knew the people, and driving ISIS out wouldn’t have been possible without them. Now that it’s over, we’re just going to move on out and let their sworn enemies invade their land. What could go wrong?

Hey, Kurds! Why don’t you guys call the Ghostbusters? Or the Fantastic Four? Translation: Donald Trump is not going to lose one minute of sleep if our allies are invaded or killed. The trust that took years, maybe decades to develop was just lost in a heartbeat. Why would anyone in the Middle East partner with the United States again?

On behalf of the United States I want to thank Turkey.10/17/2019 at the White House.

Yes, thanks, Turkey, for invading our allies and then – keeping the land but agreeing not to kill them all? Do you ever get the sense our president doesn’t understand what it means to have friends?

[Turkey] had a lot of people in there that they couldn’t have. They’ve suffered a lot of loss of life also. And they had to have it cleaned out.10/17/2019 at the White House.

If you’re ever looking for the exact language of ethnic cleansing, this is it. “Had to have it cleaned out” refers specifically to Turkey invading and killing our Kurdish allies in northern Syria. Despite our president being renowned as a branding genius, he seems not to care for America’s reputation as the good guys.

Of all things to put in all capital letters, I can’t figure out why he went with the airport.

Count me as skeptical of this “no profit” claim, given that the president files all his taxes in invisible ink and locks the returns away in a Mission Impossible-esque vault. There’s also a very specific line in the U.S. constitution forbidding presidents from accepting payments from foreign leaders, or so the hostile media tells me.

The president is trying to convince us he was cowed by media criticism, in spite of the entirety of his presidency showing the exact opposite. No, that’s almost certainly not what happened here. I’ll hazard a guess: Republicans were uncomfortable with this level of corruption, and voiced that displeasure privately until Mr. Trump reversed course. I’m not sure whether to be happy about that, or baffled at all the times this hasn’t happened.

Just the president of the United States, talking to himself on the internet. Normal guy.


That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.

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