S*** the President Says – 9/16/2019

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:Oh really. A politician. Who cheats on his wife. And lies about it. And spends funds improperly to cover it up? Has Donald Trump met Donald Trump? We know he’s met Stormy Daniels.

Mark Sanford did lose in a primary election based largely on President Trump’s endorsement of his primary rival. Do you know what happened next, though? That crazy primary rival herself lost to a Democrat in the general election, the first time a Democrat won that seat since 1971. Donald Trump’s colossal ego cost his own party a seat in Congress, yet he considers that loss a victory because all he cares about is Donald Trump.

“Sure, I’ll give you $100 today, but only if you pay me back $96 next year,” said no bank ever. Negative interest rates would also drive people’s savings out of banks, because if banks are going to take part of your money away month after month then you’re better off burying that money under your mattress. Maybe the guy whose casinos all went bankrupt wasn’t the businessman we needed.

So, we have now people standing [in] line, trying to get into the arena. And I will tell you that they are soaking wet, because Roy and everybody just walked under the plane, and you folks were wet. It is bad weather out there.9/9/2019 in Havelock, NC.

Nobody was soaking wet waiting in line for Trump’s rally. His rally was in Fayetteville, NC, 150 miles away from where he was speaking at the time. It was dry.

The light bulb…I looked at it – the bulb that we’re being forced to use – number one, to me, most importantly, the light is no good. I always look orange.9/13/2019 in Baltimore, MD.

Yeah, maybe it’s the light bulb. Or, maybe it’s because he’s orange. How do you think the light bulbs know to leave a normal-looking hue over the space where tanning goggles would go?

Two hundred and twenty-eight Democrats voted to put America back into the disastrous Paris Climate Accord. How’s that working out for Paris? How’s that one working out for France? The yellow vests.9/13/2019 in Baltimore, MD.

I know something that’s more disastrous than the Paris Climate Accord: climate change. Look, this one’s easy. The entire world – every single other country on Earth – signed onto this accord because climate change is real. The five hottest years on record are the past five years. It’s happening. It’s worsening. Closing your eyes and talking about what you don’t see won’t make it go away. Oh, and the president got the yellow vests wrong.

By the way, today, we have the cleanest air, we have the cleanest water that we’ve ever had in the history of our country.9/13/2019 in Baltimore, MD.

Our country predates the industrial revolution, so no, we do not have cleaner air or water than we had in 1790.

And just for the press – because they’ll get me on that one, I’m thinking – let’s say, the history of our country over the last 25 years.9/13/2019 in Baltimore, MD.

A rare presidential correction! Alas, this still isn’t true. Despite shrinking the “history of our country” down to about 1/10 of our actual history, American air quality declined each of President Trump’s first two years as president. I didn’t bother to check on water quality, but you should know these remarks came on the heels of Trump repealing the Obama-era Clean Water Rule, so I hope you like your water with a little something extra in it.

Maybe you don’t care that our president doesn’t know the difference between “liable” and “libel,” but you should care that Brett Kavanaugh is a liar. The news of the week here is that the New York Times did what the FBI was never allowed to do: took the time to investigate claims of sexual predation made by women after Kavanaugh was nominated by Trump for a promotion to a lifelong term on the nation’s highest court. After one week, the FBI reached their deadline (as arbitrarily assigned by the White House) without finding the claims to be conclusively true. So, Kavanaugh or away clean – he got his promotion and sits on the U.S. Supreme Court. He does not need rescued.

Oh, hey there, old guy yelling into the void on a Sunday night! How – how much oil? Oh, ok. Sounds like a lot. Thanks. WHAT’S IT FOR?

That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and stay tuned for next week to find out what all that oil is for!

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