S*** the President Says – 8/26/2019

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

Sometimes when you’re the president and you’re bored, I guess you just close your eyes, spin a globe, and put your finger on some random spot. When you open your eyes and realize you’re on Greenland, you make some crazy public statement about buying it – before ever contacting its current owner. Yeah. That’s what you do.

Ha! President Trump actually canceled a previously scheduled trip to Denmark because they wouldn’t let him buy Greenland. Was this the only topic he wanted to discuss?

Well, we’ll meet at some time. But the [Danish] Prime Minister used a terrible word when describing something that we’ve been talking about for years with our country…And I thought it was not a nice statement…She shouldn’t treat the United States that way by saying, “What an abs-…” She said “absurd.” That’s not the right word to use: “absurd.” 8/21/2019 at the White House.

Two things about this:

1) Absurd is the perfect word.

2) What a snowflake.

Maybe some on the left are wishing for a recession to whisk Donald Trump out of office. I realize the country is greater than our short-term economic interests, but I continue to think this is a bad idea on the grounds that recessions are bad, and as long as you’re wishing you might as well wish for something good. Anyway, what’s up with “Fake News LameStream Media”? It’s as if the old “Fake News” slander is no longer getting the desired effect, so President Trump decided to add on the old Sarah Palin favorite: “Lame Stream.” I hope he keeps adding on until, on the eve of the 2020 election, he goes on an all-out Clark-Griswold-in-Christmas-Vacation rant for the ages.

There’s something you should know before we see the rest of this quote: Wayne Allyn Root is a certified crazy person who believes the 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting was a secret Muslim terrorist plot. Now, let’s see what’s next!

The second coming of God Himself! I’m no religious historian, but if there’s one thing you should know about Judaism before declaring yourself the second coming of God, it’s that Judaism doesn’t believe God lived on Earth the first time. Plus, the whole cheating on his wife with a pornstar thing. Not godly.

“Wow,” indeed. It’s like even Donald Trump – the undisputed world champion of hyperbole – was surprised at Mr. Root’s endorsement.

I think that if you vote for a Democrat, you’re very, very disloyal to Israel and the Jewish people.8/21/2019 at the White House.

The only reason to say this is if you think every single Jewish person in America is obligated to vote based on a first loyalty to Israel, and agrees with the president’s position. Of course, that’s nonsense because Jewish people are people – meaning they are complex with a variety of opinions and priorities. To think all Jewish people think the same is obviously prejudiced.

The fact is, President Putin totally outsmarted President Obama on Crimea…And frankly, because of it, Obama was upset and he got [Russia] out of what was the G8 into the G7…I think Russia should be a part of it because we’re looking for world peace, and…it would be a lot easier to have Russia in, where they had always been.8/21/2019 at the White House.

So, Vladimir Putin woke up one day and decided to invade a foreign country (Ukraine) and annex part of its territory. Somehow, that constitutes “outsmarting” Obama despite Obama being the president of America, not Ukraine. As a result, the remaining seven countries in the G8 unanimously kicked Russia out. Now, with Russia still illegally occupying Ukraine, President Trump proposes removing all consequences, thereby incentivizing similar acts of aggression in the future. Because world peace.

Somebody had to do it. I am the chosen one. Somebody had to do it. So I’m taking on China. I’m taking on China on trade.

I kid you not, as Donald Trump anointed himself the chosen one, he looked up at the heavens and pointed upward with both index fingers. He later claimed to have been joking. I do not think that is true. Here’s the video: see for yourself. What a strange person.

Not only did [people in the Dayton and El Paso hospitals] meet with me, they were pouring out of the room. The doctors were coming out of the operating rooms. These were hundreds and hundreds of people all over the floor. You couldn’t even walk on it.8/21/2019 at the White House.

None of this is true. No surgeon ever walked out of an operating room to shake Donald Trump’s hand. Could you imagine? Time of death: 3:12pm. Cause of death: surgeon left room during surgery to join impromptu MAGA rally in the lobby. In fact, this comment is the sort of thing that makes the world think our president is insane. The hospitals themselves had to issue statements denying all of it. Of course, there is a more important question: why on Earth would a president visit gunshot victims, then spend the next three weeks convincing us the hospitals treated him like Justin Bieber at an all-girls high school? Is that the type of guy we want to trust with the nuclear codes?


SPECIAL BONUS S***: Speaking of nuclear codes, here is an article about our president suggesting we should drop nuclear bombs into hurricanes to prevent those hurricanes from making landfall in the U.S. This is a terrible idea, but also the most quintessentially Trumpian thing I’ve ever heard. Happy Monday!


That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.

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