S*** the President Says – 8/19/2019

Ladies and gentlemen, behold, some s*** the president said during the previous week:

The economy is doing just fine, if you listen to mainstream news outlets. The president’s favorite metric, however, is the stock market, and stocks recently went tumbling due to something called a “yield curve inversion.” Such inversions have preceded every recession in the last 45 years, so some analysts see our economy approaching the top of the rollercoaster. What does all of this mean? Obviously, that we should throw all economic data out the window and be confident because of Walmart. Yep. That’s a plan.

How exactly is the media trying to crash the economy? We don’t know; no examples were given. Did I mention a recent survey of American CFO’s showed that nearly half predicted a recession coming in 2020? Not sure if Walmart’s CFO was among those surveyed.

I hope he’s right.

Well, this is awkward. The Times really did demote its deputy editor, but for a reason President Trump shouldn’t celebrate. He was demoted for, of all things, an arguably racist Twitter statement against House Democrats Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI). Sound familiar?

These are members of Congress. If they do hate Israel and all Jewish people (they don’t), wouldn’t it show strength for Israel to allow dissenting voices into their country? To convince Reps. Omar and Tlaib that Israel is good and undeserving of their hatred? Engaging in the battlefield of ideas is an American value that our current president just doesn’t understand.

Neither part of this statement is true, and besides, who talks this way? It sounds like high school gossip.

President Trump constantly assumes bad faith among his political opponents. Hence, he assumes Rashida Tlaib never wanted to visit her grandmother anyway, or “grandmother.” In my experience, people that assume everyone else is living a lie aren’t exactly Eagle Scouts themselves.

And your wives and husbands say, ‘Darling, I want to watch Donald Trump on television tonight. But the wind stopped blowing and I can’t watch. There’s no electricity in the house, darling.’8/13/2019 rally in Monaca, PA.

First of all, no, that’s not how wind power works. There’s this thing called a battery that can store energy after the wind stops. Secondly, my wife has never, ever wanted to watch Donald Trump on television. When Trump is on, she would sign up for the kind of power that goes out when the wind stops blowing.

I’m going to speak to some of your union leaders to say, ‘I hope you’re going to support Trump.’ Okay? And if they don’t, vote them the hell out of office because they’re not doing their jobs.” 8/13/2019 rally in Monaca, PA.

The really crazy thing about this rally is that it wasn’t even a political rally. At least those are paid by Trump 2020 campaign funds. On the other hand, this was a rally at which taxpayers paid for President Trump to say overtly political things like this. Is this a campaign finance violation? Maybe. It’s certainly better than that time he secretly paid his lawyer to create a fake company to pay Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet three weeks before the presidential election, though. Say, what ever happened to that lawyer, anyway? Oh right, prison.

[Rick Perry] ran Texas for like 14 years – and he did it well. And now he’s running a little thing called ‘Energy.’ And nobody has ever done it better.8/13/2019 rally in Monaco, PA.

This is amazing. Rick Perry ran for president in 2012 on a platform of completely eliminating the federal Department of Energy (DOE). In 2017 during his confirmation hearing to run that same department, he admitted under oath he only wanted to eliminate it because he had no idea what it did. Fun fact #1: The DOE’s primary function is to manage the nation’s nuclear stockpile. This is a reason to find out what things do before eliminating those things. Fun Fact #2: Perry’s predecessor was an actual nuclear physicist. Rick Perry’s higher education topped out with a bachelor’s degree in animal science, which is fine but is not nuclear physics.


That’s our report for this week. Be sure to check out the links for more info on any particular topic and, as always, thanks for reading.

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