Mike Kelly sucks

Mike Kelly, shown here in a campaign ad with makeup thicker than the shame I feel from him representing me in Congress.

Mike Kelly was born in 1948 and he’s sucked ever since. He went to college at Notre Dame, which sucks. I’m sorry, I know some readers could be Notre Dame fans, but if so, there’s something you need to know: your school sucks. Know how I know?

I’m a Penn State fan. We’re the only school that even competes with Notre Dame on the “holier than thou” scale. As a school that celebrated “Success with Honor” as our slogan for 50 years only to find out 30 of those years were marred by horrific child abuse, you’d think Penn State would be nose blind to anyone else’s pompous arrogance, but to this day when the wind blows out of the west I can stand in Erie, PA and – I shit you not – I can smell the arrogance coming all the way from South Bend like some kind of pompous potpourri.

And by the way, when the wind is blowing out of the west, you can be pretty sure Mike Kelly is somewhere to your east, because Mike Kelly sucks.

Now, I mentioned Penn State’s child abuse scandal. I want to come back to that because it turns out, Notre Dame’s got us beat there too. You would think – you would hope – the Jerry Sandusky scandal would be the worst child abuse anyone’s ever heard of in their life.

To that, Notre Dame says – hold my beer. Hold his beer. Hold her beer. See those people over there? Hold their beer, too. Hold all the beer from all the people you can find, except for the beer in the hand of that 10 year old boy over there – the Catholic Church gave him that beer. They gave him that beer while engaging in a world historic shitstorm of child abuse that began before anyone can remember and continues to this day.

What’s this have to do with Notre Dame? Notre Dame is a catholic school so closely related to the church that they idolize a pagan by the name of Football Jesus. So Notre Dame sucks. Of course Mike Kelly would go to school there.

After college, Kelly went back to work at his dad’s car dealership. It surprised me to learn it was his dad’s dealership because every time I hear Mike Kelly talk about it, he makes it sound like it was something he built solely by pulling himself up by his bootstraps. No, it was his dad’s. He worked there until his dad retired in 1995, and sold it to Mike Kelly. So he’s basically Don Jr. except worse, because as we all know – Brent Liberty just skip past this part – used car salesmen are some of the sleaziest people out there. But at least he wasn’t a politician.

By the way, after he bought the lot in 1995, do you know what he did? He expanded the fleet from selling just Chevys and Cadillacs – American made cars – to include Kias and Hyundais owners in South Korea! So of course, six hollow, empty years into his new career as the only thing sleazier than a Notre Dame grad selling used South Korean cars – he hitched his wagon to Mr. America First himself, Donald J. Trump.

His claim to fame since then? (1) Hiding in elevators whenever a reporter asks him about the Donald Trump crazy shit of the day; and (2) not letting the beach run out of sand. As if all the sand on the beach of the most-visited state park in the country – Presque Isle – would really be allowed to just wash into the lake! This was not a real accomplishment. This cost $1.5 million out of a $4 trillion federal budget, yet back in October 2018 there was Mike Kelly standing on stage at the Erie Insurance Arena with Donald Trump like a conquering hero, telling the story of how he – Mike Kelly – got us peons our sand. As if he was the only one that could pull off that feat. Mike Kelly sucks.

Mike Kelly at a 2018 campaign rally excitedly vowing to pass out sand like Oprah Winfrey.

All of which is background for this week, when apparently there was no elevator to be found after Donald Trump told four minority Democratic women from the House of Representatives to “go back where you came from.”

To which Mike Kelly responded: “You know, they talk about people of color. I’m a person of color. I’m white. I’m an Anglo Saxon. People say things all the time. I don’t get offended. With a name like Mike Kelly you can’t be from anywhere else but Ireland.”

After all that build-up, I don’t even have a response for Mike Kelly’s dumb quote. If the President of the United States says some unabashedly racist shit and your only response is, “What is racism, anyway?” then I don’t know what else there is to say to you. Mike Kelly sucks.